Sunday, February 21, 2010

Need a Laugh?

My step-dad, bless his heart, is always sending me funny jokes. I love them mostly because I. love. to. laugh! Think about it, you always feel better after laughing! Even if you are having an intense or sad discussion, if there is laughter, you feel a little better. So, it's no surprise that I love laughing so much. Thanks Marc! (P.S. Marc does send a lot of funny emails about lawyers, but he is qualified to poke fun because he is a lawyer. So it works out. Blessed is the person who can laugh at themselves, right? :-)

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

**They are not actually word for word because I had to edit a couple of them. ;)
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Umm? You really want me to answer that?
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight..
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

11 comments:

Meri said...

These were really fun to read. I'm going to have my husband read these later...thanks for the smile Shamae!

Lora said...

FUNNY! I don't know how people can keep a straight face through all that.

Thanks for the chuckle :)

Wendy said...

HA HA HA HA!!!!! Thanks for the chuckle...those were really funny :)

sarefamily said...

just finally got caught up on your blog. All I can say is "you crack me up" Luv ya!!

Amy said...

HAHA! Very funny....made me laugh!

Hallie said...

needed this today! Thanks! :)

cyntheeuhh said...

Funny! Loved all of them. :)

Audrey said...

this made my day. thanks

The Lane Family said...

These are too funny and really gave me a good laugh that I needed too day. I love the one about conception!!!

wendys said...

ha ha!

Wendy said...

Bwahahahahahaaaaa great!!!