Yes, But I'd Be Lying

**Disclaimer this is a venting/sad/emotional Shamae post. Read at your own risk. If you do choose to read. Feel free to click play on this song below and carry on.**

Sydney starts kindergarten a week from today. This post may sound like a bit of a downer but don't get me wrong, I am so excited for Syd to be starting school and, most importantly, she is so excited. But...there's always a but...I am scared. I'd be lying if I told you otherwise. Unless you've lived the life I suppose it's difficult to comprehend what it means to take care of a child who has Type 1 Diabetes. It is daunting and grueling and tiresome, and frustrating, and scary, etc etc. I've had lots of folks ask how I'm dealing with this and, usually, it's the same generic answer--mostly because it's hard to tell if people REALLY want to know how you're feeling or if they are just making small talk and don't give a rat's rear end how you are feeling--I usually answer with, "Oh I'm nervous, what mom isn't nervous to send their 5 year old off to the big world of kindergarten? But we will be just fine." This is the rest of the story...

Yes I may say that, but it's a lie. I've mentioned before that writing on my blog is rather therapeutic for me so consider this a therapy session. I called Sydney's school back in March to make arrangements to go over her 504 plan. I wanted to give them a heads up that Sydney would be attending school this fall and that she has some special requirements with her Type 1 Diabetes. The school was nice...always friendly. They also always give me the same answer, "We will call you to set up the meeting." Well it's a week before school starts and I've still gotten the run around. I finally called today and was quite firm that I can't send Syd to school until we have a 504 meeting. It is supposed to be set up for the end of the week where they will get a crash course in diabetes management and, on so many levels, I'm scared. My blog is a great place for me to show my feelings and so here goes...

I'm scared to send Syd to school. I've been slaving over basal rates and boluses. Carb counts and finger checks. Pump changes. Insulin changes. Night time checks. Prescription orders. Doctor visits. Documenting all her blood sugars and carb counts. And, after all my efforts, I still feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I have studied and read about Sydney's disease. I am proficient in how it works and, in theory, what I need to do to keep her healthy...and I still feel like I'm failing. Sometimes it hits me, like a brick in the face, that this is our reality and her diabetes isn't going away. Those days are rough. With the impending doom of kindergarten approaching, those days are happening more and more. Why can't I just be able to send her to school without worrying about her going low or high. Passing out. Seizures. Recess. PE. Snacks. It's so much to think about it makes my brain feel like it's melting. I'm tired.


And now, after all of this, after all my efforts and tears, I am supposed to send her off to school. To people who barely know about this disease. I can't manage it well-- and I am supposed to trust THEM to do it? I'd be lying if I said I was comfortable with this scenario. Of course then my shoulder angel says, "yes but so many kids are going to school every day and managing." Then my shoulder devil takes over again. I don't want to let go. I've been the one who has learned it all because I love Syd more than anyone. Despite my best efforts, I can't control this disease and now I am supposed to trust these people who barely know her and obviously don't care enough about her to set up a meeting on how to care for her? I am supposed to, quite literally, put her life in their hands? I'd be lying if I said this thought doesn't terrify me.

Sometimes this disease is so overwhelming. I feel like I'm drowning. The waves are crashing higher and higher and I can't see the end to the storm. Of course then I have dear friends/family who throw me a life vest and it keeps me floating a while longer--helping me get through just one more of life's storms. The problem with the diabetes storm is, while it does calm down after a while, it never goes away and right now I feel very inadequate to be raising a Type 1 child. I can't swim; therefore, I am inadequate to be dealing with Type 1 Diabetes at all, let alone in school.

The logical part of me knows that we will get through this and the unknown is generally scarier than the actual event. We will be just fine. I just needed to vent, cry, blow off steam. So, that's it for now. Therapy session over. Don't worry, upbeat Shamae will be back tomorrow.