Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thinking Outloud

Or at least thinking with my hands. :-)

The past few days, I'm not sure why, I've been replaying Syd's diagnosis over and over in my head. It was February 25, 2008. It seems like a lifetime ago and, at the same time, just like yesterday. I remember I almost cancelled her appt that morning. It was at 9:30 a.m. I remember rolling over in bed at about 7 a.m. and telling Loren I was worried her doctor was going to think I was some crazy, paranoid mom because I was worried that my kid was drinking a lot of water. Now, in my defense, it was an obsessive amount of water--along with some other worrisome issues--but still. I had no idea what I was facing, I just knew something wasn't right.

I remember the doc asking for a urine sample. I remember him coming to tell me she had a lot of glucose in her urine and he was pretty sure she had Type 1 Diabetes and a blood sugar check would confirm it. The nurse came in. I remember seeing the number come up on the glucometer...517. I was looking at it upside down. My mind registered the number but I was trying to tell myself I was reading it wrong. Either way, the number started with a 5 or a 7...I tried to tell myself the 5 was a 2 but I still knew all of those numbers were higher than they should have been.

The doctor came in and said she had Type 1 Diabetes and she couldn't outgrow it. He reassured me that we didn't do anything wrong but in my head I was trying to think of everything I may have done to cause this disease. I remember trying to justify what she had for breakfast. Toast and yogurt. I told him we ate healthy. It seems silly now but I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt like I needed to tell him that I didn't feed her sugar on a spoon with a dash of honey for breakfast. I didn't want him to think I was a bad mom. He just smiled and said I didn't do anything wrong but this was a serious disease and Sydney would have to be admitted to the hospital right now. I couldn't go home and pack a bag. We had to go straight there. (The clinic and hospital are connected by a sky walk so that was convenient.)

Through tears I text Loren that she was being admitted to the hospital. Looking back I probably should have called him but I knew if I tried to say those words they wouldn't come out. We went to the billing office to get pre-approval for the hospital stay with our insurance. One of the office ladies saw me crying and my 4 year old, who still didn't know what was going on, watching her mom. She offered Sydney smarties. Another lady who was helping us jumped up and said, "Oh she can't have those right now." The other lady sat down looking foolish. I cried harder. I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know how to manage this disease. I knew nothing about it other than my kid couldn't have some stupid smarties. I was scared.

At that point I was all alone. Within a half hour Loren found a babysitter for Morgan and was at the hospital and we started to learn about this new trial. I tried calling my mom but I couldn't choke the words out. I was just crying into the phone. Loren saved me there and told her what was going on. My mom was at the hospital within the hour. She also made phone calls for us so they didn't have to listen to a blubbering Shamae on the other end.

I remember coming home and trying to figure out how to finish my final semester in college and deal with this new diagnosis. It was so overwhelming. I remember thinking this will never go away. It's not like some nasty virus that sucks for a couple weeks and then it gets better. It. Never. Quits. But over the past year and a half things have gotten easier. I wouldn't say they are ever easy because each day is filled with something...but it is easier. The outpouring of love and support is there at every bend in the road. If I have to go through this, I couldn't handpick a better support system. Despite the diagnosis I did go on to finish my degree that semester. It was a great day!

Tonight Sydney's sugar was 297 at dinner--too high---but sometimes that happens on site changing days. The odd thing was within 45 minutes she had plummeted all the way down to 40. I gave her 13 carbs of juice. Checked her 15 minutes later. She was 89. Checked her 20 minutes later. She was dropping again and in the 70s. So I guess it will be "one of those nights." My other Type 1 mom readers know exactly what those words mean. That is a great part of this blogging world. I haven't met most of my readers who deal with T1 Diabetes, but I know they are there. I know they understand. It's wonderful.

So, with that I'm going to end this reminiscent blog post. Of course, for your pleasure, I will add some pics of Miss Sydney. If you want to read the whole post from right after she was diagnosed, be my guest. Click HERE for that blog. Sometimes I go and read my posts from the months before diagnosis and try to remember what it was like before diabetes. Almost as if I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for what is coming, obviously that sounds silly but my blog was up and running before diagnosis and sometimes it's fun to go back through those pre-diabetes days.

~These next 2 pictures were taken the day before she was diagnosed. In my head it still makes me kind of sick to think she was at this party for Loren's mom. Eating sloppy joes. Cake. Soda. The works. And she had no insulin compensation. Granted we had no idea this meal probably sent her sugars sky high that night. But hindsight gives me grief over it.

~This was in the hospital the day after diagnosis. She is still so sweet even though she cried all the time about why we had to keep poking her.
Ok my flashback emotional post is over! Sometimes ya just gotta let it all out!


Goodwin Family said...

Shamae, you are awesome!! You're supermom!! I don't know how you go through each day but you do it and you're are totally an inspiration to tons of people! Myself included. Just reading your blog is always so uplifting and a nice breather for me!! Go Shamae! Go ahead and have an emotional day! You deserve one every now and then!!

Priscilla said...

I guess we're both having emotional days! Though mine are for completely different reasons.

Talk about life altering experience. Sometimes we need to look back and see what we've been through in order to better appreciate what we've become. You're awesome. I wish I could do more. Time for another lesson!

Erin said...

You are an amazing woman. You have an amazing family. I cried for you tonight. I think it was needed. Thank you for blogging about Sydney. I have learned so much about Type 1 Diabetes. Thank You.

Wendy said...

Thank you for's good to know that I'm not the only one who relives that day every now and then.

The day our world changed forever.

What an incredible blessing to have found such awesome blogging buddies through this adversity.

I'm so happy our paths have crossed :)


Amy said...

Thanks for sharing Shamae! Jada was diagnosed just one month later- March 23, 2008! I go through times, too, where her diagnosis just won't leave my mind. And now.....I'm going to go back and read that post about her diagnosis! :) ((HUGS!!))

KLTTX said...

Shamae - This post made my cry. Although I do not understand all that you have to go through to live with the disease, from my view, it seems as though you are doing a fantastic job.

Lora said...

This brought tears to my eyes.. I have been thinking about Justin's diagnosis because next month (Oct.21st) will be 1 year since we sat in the doctors office with no idea what was coming. You are an amazing mom with beautiful girls. Thank you for sharing your stories, they help remind many of us that we are not alone :)

Joanne said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes... it's interesting to hear other Mom's thought process during the diagnosis. I thought some of the very same things you did when Elise was diagnosed.

Great post and keep up the good work!

The Herrigs said...

Your post makes me cry b/c it takes me back to Kennedy's diagnosis day...doesn't it seem like that is always towards the forefront of your mind? I also think about what life was like before and think about how two days before she was licking icing off of cupcakes and we gave her more. Our little girls are so strong and I am a better mom for how strong she is...I know you are such a wonderful mom:)

wendys said...

You are all so strong to take control of this difficult trial. Keep going!

periwinkle4 said...

Reading this made me cry. You really are so strong and Syd is so sweet. It just breaks my heart that you have to deal with this, but you are such an inspiration to me that you handle it so well. Hugs!

J.R. and Michelle said...

It amazes me the growth that your family has had to have over the last year and a half. Syd is the bravest, smartest, sweetest, little girl I have *never ;) met. And she wouldn't be able to be that way without such amazing parents. I'm so happy that you have been able to find so many great people who can help you get through this, to support you, and who understand what you are going through. All I can do is say that I really have grown to love you, and your family (silly as that may sound) and I pray for you.

tiburon said...

I totally feel your pain. And anguish. Every freaking day of my life.

Rachel said...

WOW diagnostic post always make me cry. When Tristan was diagnosed I also felt the need to justify myself. I didn't feel him junk food and sugar and soda etc... It took a while for me to accept that I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't cause this disease.

I will never ever forget the day that he was diagnosed, nor will I ever forget the emotions that I went through that day... very similar to yours.

Thanks for sharing!

The Lane Family said...

Shamae, this post brought tears to my eyes and I think you are an amazing woman with an incredible daughter. I am sure this is the day that changed your lives forever!!

I also thought about what you said at the beginning when you almost cancelled her appointment. I have learned as a mom that are intution is usually right on and no matter what the doctors say we have to follow "mom's instinct".